When your loved one acts NORMAL in front of others!
Have you ever shared your loved one's Alzheimer's behaviors only to have them step up and act perfectly normal in front of friends and family?
Oh my heavens yes. I am getting real tired of people saying "You'd never know" or "Are you sure?" Of course I'm sure you idiot. I didn't just decide to have him leave his job or leave mine and go on disability because he "might" have Alz. (Seriously, I'm not that brave.....or that stupid.....depending on your opinion of me. Plus we were accepted into a clinical trial....pretty sure they know their stuff about diagnosing.)
I feel as if his siblings (or our son who lives out of state) don't quite believe me when I say I notice him getting worse... they'll say "He's always been quiet" or something like that. But I live with him and I notice the little things...and each one breaks a little piece of my heart off each time I notice.Exactly! You want to respond with exactly that. Moron!! People have no idea what you go through and the real crux of it all is how it makes you feel afterwards. That support system grew wings and flew right out the window. Resentful…lonely…defensive. We seek validation and support for our work and this forum is the right place to get it. Because people don’t get it. And why would they…they are not in our shoes. So let’s give them somewhat of a pass due to ignorance (no fault of their own) and keep reaching out to each other because we are the ones who really understand. Hugs to you all. 
, I feel you. Lack of empathy is a plague on mankind. I am glad that you've found community and family here. - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)
I have the issue that my mom is in a memory care facility. My family consists of my sister and father. My 85 year old father insists that my mom be visited twice a day. He & my sister visit in the morning. In the afternoon when I visit her she is sundowning. They don’t understand what that’s like. She acts fine in the morning but I get the “I’m leaving”, “I am going home” etc. It makes it very upsetting for me to visit her when that’s what it’s like every day. They totally don’t understand what it’s like for me at all. At this time my dad isn’t really speaking to me since I recommended that we alternate visiting times. I know he’s grieving the loss of his wife, but I am looking at losing both of my parents soon. I am feeling torn apart over this behavior of his, on top of my mom’s dementia. I already suffered from depression & anxiety prior to this. My dad just exasperates my feelings. My life is miserable.
Hi @cynthiaFL, your dad is probably doing his best to provide your mom the constant companionship she is used to. You didn't mention how things were with your sister, and whether you might be able to do some negotiating with her. Maybe she could beg of on a few morning visits and you could take over for her with your dad. Daytime visits may be easier for your dad, but your sister may appreciate a morning off. I hope that may help, and I hope things get easier. -Warmly, Donna ;team member)
It wasn't sustainable for me going in daily. I was studying full time and working 2 nights a week. My siblings lived further away and most couldn't deal with the situation. The oldest sister once said I should look after mum. I just lost it. Gave her some hometruths. I worked and studied while she had been unemployed for most of her life and as the eldest..she should do it! Not that I would have trusted her though.
Talk to your sister but honestly I would have a chat to your dad. Does he know you suffer from anxiety and depression? You each need respite and mental health days too. I would even suggest just going through the daytime and not even every day. It depends on how far advanced your mums condition is. Does she recognize you? Forgive yourselves for not being there every moment of the day. I have 6 siblings in the same city and only 2 of us went one to 3 times a week to feed her in the evenings outside in their garden. That settled her in the evening actually and she went to sleep much more easily. I didn't think badly of my family for it. The day mum went into the nursing home, they came to walk her down the block and get her settled. Mum was smiling and telling everyone her name in the home. Then we left as she had lunch with everyone. All the best.
It is really frustrating when this would happen. People would say "He doesn't look that bad. Or, he seems fine." I use to be polite and say something trivial like "Oh well or UMM HUM". Finally I stopped trying to be "polite" and was very truthful and matter of fact. I would say "He may look that way but all you need to do is come spend the day with us and see what really happens". I also, would think in my head, "What is he suppose to look like to verify his diagnosis to outsiders? Are they expecting him to be slumped over in a chair, non-verbal...." The early and early middle stages are usually the time these type of comments occur. Most people jump to the late stage version of how they think a person should exhibit this disease.
My brother would say, "Mom is being more 'mom' than usual." That's how he described it. She would get words mixed up a lot before. But I see her every day. He is supportive. He didn't mean anything by it, but it's easy to see how the disease can be dismissed when you only see the person now and then. My brother lives several states away and can only come for holidays. He differs to me. I appreciate that. Blessings, Kathy M alzheimersdisease.net team member.
