(S)Wipe Right, or Rather, Front To Back

By Kathy Matheny

Last Updated:

3 min read

Intimacy comes in many forms. In our modern era, so much of our intimacy is in front of or behind a screen, to the left or right. People are emboldened to express what they never would face to face, IRL (in real life), hoping to gain something real in return.

But real life isn’t so filtered, and intimacy can be required more than we bargained for when a layer of latex isn’t nearly as sexy. There is a box of latex gloves under our sink to help us assist Mom with using the toilet.

Learning how to support my mom

My mother’s dementia is still progressing. We can establish a good routine. I try to let her do as much as she can. We go along that way for a while. Then one day, I notice she pauses while eating. She just mixes her food on her plate. Ok, so she now has her apple and sweet potato kale salad mixed in with her tortellini and sauce with parmesan. It’s a weird combo. We have done weird. Everyone else has finished eating. We were hungry and ate fast. Mom still sat. I had given her a spoon instead of a fork. I do that more often, thinking it would be easier for her. I picked up her spoon and said, “Okay, baby bird! Let me help you eat dinner.”

I am taking over more and more of Mom’s daily activities. I have helped with her pills and dressing for ages, it seems. She could brush and floss with her Reach flosser on her own. She starts brushing. I brush and clean up. I floss for her. She gets stuck more often now, and just starting tasks for her isn’t enough anymore. I will probably be brushing her teeth soon with her battery-powered toothbrush. I have already turned it off and on. I used a Sharpie to emphasize the off button. It doesn’t matter anymore. It's actually quite hard to turn off anyway.

Tackling the "I hope I never..." list

I follow my mom to the bathroom. She still asks to go. She gets a few recognizable words out. If she doesn’t ask, I'll take her anyway. It’s good to get her up and moving to help those pressure sores I’m nursing heal. She doesn’t walk with a walker or cane. That’s a win.

There are things in this “adventure” that you hope you never have to do. “I hope I never have to _____.” Fill in the blank with “see my parent naked,” “wipe their butt,” “wipe their front!” How would you add to the list? Take their car keys (that was so five years ago), put them in a nursing home, give them a shot, bury them?

Along with the list of I-hope-I-nevers, are the “What if they ______?!” Poop their pants. How about that? Pull-ups, also known as adult incontinence briefs, are great for containing urine if you change them often enough. Mom can still wake up sopping wet in the morning. I thought the bladder wasn’t supposed to make pee at night? No one told her. Bowel incontinence is a bear. I’m still not used to that and don’t take it well in stride. The bidet helps some, but not all of it. It shoots up in a straight line. The poop seems like it’s everywhere.

Helping Mom with bowel incontinence

There is nothing for it but to roll up my sleeves, grab the XL disposable wipes, and pull out that box of latex gloves or just raw dog it. I didn’t use gloves when my kids were little, but those were baby to toddler poops. These are big girl poops that have fallen on the floor out of her pull-up. Clean up on aisle 12.

Mom wasn’t good with the front-to-back wipe. She had been a bigger lady who had trouble reaching around. Poop shouldn’t get in all the lady bits or dangerous infections and itchiness can be the result. The last time, the PA prescribed a suppository for it. That is firmly on my “I hope I never” list, but very little is a deal breaker. Thankfully, she changed it to an ointment that I can squeeze out onto some tissue and apply quickly without dwelling too much.

Love goes a long way

Love and intimacy. They do go hand in hand. There is no greeting card for the poop-wiping kind (although I would take a gift card). And I DON’T want to know if there is an app for that! Swipe that LEFT!

What is on your cringe list that you have done out of love, duty, or desperation that you didn’t think you would or could? What is on that list that you’re worried might be next?

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DonnaFA Community Admin

Does anyone have any items on their "I hope I never" list? How did you overcome it when it popped off the list into reality? - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)
Andrea Member

I think all of the "I hope I nevers" happened.
1. Kathy Matheny Member
 
 <inline-mention username="Andrea" user-id="2368521"/> yeah, pretty much me, too. 💜
2. Andrea Member
 
 <inline-mention username="Kathy Matheny" user-id="2372926"/> Take care. I hope you are doing as well as can be expected in this situation. 💜
20ellie Member

I have been a Neuro/Neurosurg nurse for 40 yrs at a level 1 Trauma Center. I am all to familiar with Alzheimer's patients in various stages. Luckily for my family I'm usually the one with the creative ideas, what will and won't work. For example my mom is still able to feed herself, but gets distracted easily. I told them, turn over the placemat on the kitchen table to the solid colored side when eating and she will eat without distractions. Otherwise she is picking at the placemat thinking those objects on it are real. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my mom, (and nothing phases me) I bathe her, keep her clean, change her, keep her hair styled and assist with basically anything to lighten the load for my dad, who will never put her in a nursing home. We listen to old music, watch old TV shows where she can still name the actors. The important thing is to never say "remember" because they can't. I encourage my family not to challenge her conversations, if she thinks it's snowing on an 80 degree day, it is! I treasure the moments I am able to be there and visit with her and every now and then out of the blue she will call me by name. 
1. 20ellie Member
 
 <inline-mention username="DonnaFA" user-id="4213023"/> My dad has a hard time with not using "remember." I encourage my family to tell old stories, trips they went on by simply saying "you and dad went to ...." talk about the vacation, leave out "do you remember". Talk about the movies and TV shows. My mom was a big bingo player, instead of saying "do you remember playing bingo?" we say "you would play bingo with grandma every Tues" Sometimes she will say "I don't remember that" and I would say "that's ok" and move on. The worst thing to do is to dwell on it, and try to convince them they can remember, because they can't. My dad has also brought out all the photo albums. Often my mom will go and get one and sit down and go through them. This is a great time to just "talk" about the pictures with her. I have found over the years especially in my career you can keep pt's de escalated if you don't use "remember" this can be a trigger and cause frustration especially in the early stages when their memory is questionable. 
2. DonnaFA Community Admin
 
 <inline-mention username="20ellie" user-id="8534874"/>, thank you for sharing these techniques. So many people do struggle with conversations and having some things tucked in their toolbox is so helpful. I love how you give her affirmation and move on to keep her from sinking into bad feelings. I love the photo book idea, it can bring a lot of smiles and sometimes moments of lucidity. - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)