Memories, Mental Health, and Miscommunication: Part 2

Read more about Kathy's daughter's graduation story in Part 1 of this article series.

"If I can’t take pictures, then I don’t want to come!" Then don’t come, she said. I said wow, ok, or something else in my shock then hung up. Never give your kids an ultimatum. It always backfires, but I was reeling. Then my daughter texted me, "Way to make graduation all about you LOL." I was crushed.

Preserving memories

I wanted my mom to have a chance of keeping a memory. One day, I may need that same chance! I want to be able to see that graduation picture and remember things and people that you never think you could forget. I didn’t know what to say to my daughter. I was deeply wounded. I wanted to support her and her mental health, but this was too much for me.

I couldn’t talk to her for a week. I just couldn’t. I wish I had, because she was hurting, too, She only saw the situation from her perspective. She didn’t know how I felt or why I wanted the pictures.

Talking it out

When we finally sat down face-to-face she said how she needed to stand up for herself. Then I had my turn, in tears, explaining why it was so important to me. It never occurred to her.

She said we could compromise. We could take a few pictures. She just didn’t want an embarrassing bunch of photo ops all over campus. I didn’t either! And I never need to show her any. They are just for me and gma. And I pointed out that it wasn’t just her graduation. That’s why they have ceremonies, to celebrate a graduate’s accomplishment, but also all who supported them and got them there.

We're in this together

None of us exists in a vacuum. We need each other. This Alzheimer’s disease journey can be a lonely one and scary and wearying and overwhelming. You need your family with you. It takes conversations and willingness to overcome objections and hurt feelings, Compromises are possible. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You may think you know what someone is thinking and what their motives are, but it may be something else entirely. Be brave and talk about it. There is everything to gain.

At the end of May, we are making a road trip for graduation. I’m going to take pictures! Today we learned that two of us can go to the ceremony since restrictions are beginning to lift. We get to be there for our girl. She always wanted us there. I’m sorry I almost wasn’t. Let’s make some good memories!