Navigating Caregiver Guilt When Wishing for an End to Suffering

Have you ever found yourself wishing for your loved one's death? Maybe not specifically for their death, but for an end to their suffering? I am not ashamed to admit that there were several times during my mom's Alzheimer's battle that I wished she would die. In fact, experiencing this deep level of emotional distress is a heavy burden that many families carry in silence.

I wanted her suffering to end, and I was well aware that this relief would only come with her death. Relief from Alzheimer's can only come in the form of death. You can't have one without the other.

Witnessing the painful reality of a slow decline

Watching my mom's slow decline over the course of 10 years was painful, and I often just wanted it to be over with already. I would hear the news that someone else's loved one had passed away after only a few years of suffering from this disease, and I would question why my mom had to suffer for so long. I often felt jealous of others whose journey had not been as long as ours.

Wishing to end their suffering and find peace

I knew I wasn't wishing for my mom's death because I wanted her gone, but because I wanted her suffering to end. I loved her so much that I was willing to let her go so that she wouldn't have to suffer any longer. Selfishly, I also wanted my own suffering to end.

It was so hard to witness my mom's deterioration from the disease. I constantly wondered when it was going to end, and how it was going to end. I was tired of the uncertainty and grief of her old self. I just wanted an answer – a resolution.

Understanding the guilt and shame behind wanting their pain to end

However, I knew that resolution would only come from my mom's death, and her death meant that she would be physically gone forever. I was overwhelmed with guilt and a sense of secret shame at the thought that I could wish for such a thing.

How could I want my mom to die? How could I possibly wish for her death?

Learning the difference between wishing for death and wishing for peace

At some point, I realized that there are far worse things than death and learned to accept the difficult journey. Many of the things my mom went through with Alzheimer's were far more difficult than death. Having to watch my mom go through them was often harder than the thought of her being permanently gone.

Shifting your perspective from selfish to selfless

I used to think I was the only one who felt this way until I was vulnerable enough to share my thoughts and feelings with others. That is when I discovered that most, if not all, caregivers coping with this disease have had my exact thoughts and feelings.

If you are struggling with guilt for having these thoughts yourself, please know you are not alone. It is not only normal to feel this way—it is justified.

It isn't selfish. It is actually selfless. You love your loved one so much that you are willing to let them go if it means they will no longer have to suffer from this horrific disease.

You courageously let go even though you desperately want to hold on forever. You are not wishing for their death. You are wishing for an end to their suffering, even though it means you will have to go on living without them. That is the price we pay for loving someone so much.