How Can I Do This?!

Most of my days are good. I try to stay in the moment and look on the bright side. Even as I type this, I feel a little guilty talking about myself. I'm not the one with Alzheimer's Disease - at least not yet. It's not a given, but what if that's my future?

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let today's own trouble be sufficient for the day." Revised Standard Version of the Bible Mathew 6:34.

Today has enough to worry about and bullets to dodge. Anxiety, you have to fend for yourself tomorrow. Today, my plate of trouble is full.

Fatal and debilitating

Alzheimer's Disease is a fatal illness. It is debilitating. It's not pretty and not very dignified.

Dignity can be defined as being composed or having a serious manner or style, pride in one's self, according to my Google search and Oxford. Incontinence and forgetting everyone and everything doesn't fit that definition.

I do a lot for my mom. I mostly make her dinner, do her laundry, and remind her of a lot of things. I remind her to take her medicine. She mostly does it on her own, but the one time I forget is the time she forgets. I have to double-check. That's as of today.

But what about tomorrow?

Looking towards the future

When I think of the future, I am gripped with sadness and grief. I will be without my mom.

A lot of people are without their moms. I'm already without my dad. I don't want to have to miss her. That's what my son would say when he was little and learned he was getting a babysitter. "I don't want to have to miss you," he cried plaintively.

Managing unknowns of Alzheimer's

I'm already without my mom in bits and pieces. We don't have as many shared memories. They are just my memories now. She is having more trouble talking.

The words get in a log jam as they can't get past the tip of her tongue. Her shoulders slump and she sighs. She tries to start again. Then stops. And starts again. I try to give hints. I don't want to derail her fragile train of thought. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes she has to come up with it on her own.

She came into the room saying she is looking for her hair. What?! Something for her hair. She put her hands on her head. Her comb? No. It's something she uses on her hair. I went back to her room with her. She was looking at her dresser at her pills and her blood sugar monitor. Her comb was on her nightstand. That wasn't it.

Then I realized it was the reading glasses she was looking for. She slides them up on her head when she's not using them. That's where her brain went with all of this. She needs them to read her blood sugar journal and the day of the week on her pillbox. That's why she looked there.

Reality right now with Alzheimer's

Is this where we are going? Will she no longer be able to verbalize what she needs? Will she lose the ability to understand language?

My mom has been known to talk your ear off. Will she be a silent shell of my mom? How can I do this?! How can I take care of her? How can I face this? I am gutted. My heart feels like it is in a vice right now.

I believe there will be grace tomorrow. I just don't feel it right now. I have made a decision to care for my mom. I'm glad I don't have to do it all at once today.

As she declines a bit at a time I hope I am growing at the same rate so by the time we get there I'll be ready and able. I've already decided to be willing. Let today be enough.