When You See Something, Try Your Best to Do Something

My neighbor's wife is bravely facing Alzheimer's. I often see them taking walks, a routine that brings them a sense of normalcy. It's heartwarming to witness them enjoying the fresh air, strolling through our peaceful neighborhood, and listening to the soothing sounds of birds chirping.

However, it's heart-wrenching to witness the wife's battle with aggression, a struggle not of her choosing but a cruel effect of Alzheimer's. Drawn by our dog's barking, I recall a recent incident when my neighbors paused near our yard.

At this moment, I witnessed a challenging situation. My neighbor's wife was screaming, stomping her feet, and raising her fists towards her husband. Having experienced moments of agitation as a caregiver for my father, I couldn't help myself as I approached this loving couple. I went into overdrive and offered support.

My neighbor, my friend

My caretaker neighbor, a symbol of resilience, tried his best to console and transition his wife. The look on his face was pure exhaustion and a reflection of the emotional toll Alzheimer's was taking on them both. I felt such empathy for them.

As I approached them, I spoke quietly, asking if I could reach for his wife's hand. She willingly accepted my hand into hers. Fortunately, our dog, Buddy, whom she fancied, came to our rescue. With Buddy's help, I distracted my neighbor with Alzheimer's by asking her if she wanted to pet our dog. As she bent down to pat our pal, her husband sighed and said, "Thank you, Nancy."

My neighbor knew of my caregiving role with my father, and he often asked me for guidance. While I am no expert, my neighbor knew I had things to share. Accepting my plea to try and help in ways I could offer enabled us to transform our friendship from neighbors to true friends.

Express yourself

Returning to my neighbor's home with his wife holding my hand, my neighbor sat in the kitchen. His wife headed to the sink and fiddled with the dishes. Positioning myself at the table where I could observe his wife, he told me how tired he was. He expressed how exhausted he felt from being the sole caregiver. He was worn from explaining to everyone about the lost love of his life. His words carried the weight of emotional and physical exhaustion that Alzheimer's had brought into their lives. I could sense he felt relief from being able to share.

As I listened to him, I choked up. I knew all too well what he was explaining. I leaned forward and asked, "What do you need?" And, "How can I help?"

It's always okay to ask

Asking these questions reminded me of the growth I experienced in respectful assertiveness as a caregiver to my father. Although initially intimidated, I found a rhythm in using my skills to support my father.

I was fortunate to have the help of my sisters, and we took turns caring for Dad. This teamwork was crucial in getting us through. I learned that if I needed something or someone or had questions and if things were going to change for the better, I needed to ask. My approach, coupled with respect for my father's needs and my own, was a critical factor in our caregiving journey.

Asking can sound easier said than done, but if you need something, it's okay to ask. For a while, I could manage my father's care independently. After all, it was my father I would be taking care of, and I was a teacher who had tricks and transitions up her sleeves to get us through the rough moments. While this worked sometimes, I began to seek and accept the help offered to both of us.

Outreach is a give-and-take

When a close friend sent me a check-in text to say hello and ask me to list the top 3 ways she could help ease my caregiving days, I reached for scrap paper and scribbled down my thoughts. As I addressed how I could use help, I wasn't too shocked to see that I listed more than 3 ways.

It helps to prioritize your needs

First on my list was helping with Dad's favorite activity, walking. Luckily, Dad would happily join others for a walk we introduced him to. While Dad walked, I would catch up on personal phone calls, emails, and journaling.

Second on my list were coffee dates with friends. These visits were a joyful change of pace and allowed me to reconnect with my personal life. At times, it was challenging to find a replacement caregiver, but when I did, I made sure to get Dad squared away with snacks and activities, and I spoke with him about how I would return.

While catching up with friends about their happenings, they listened to my range of emotions and offered suggestions from their experiences caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's. I always left our dates feeling comforted by their support.

The final request on my list was to gather additional recommendations for support groups and services. I wanted to keep my running list of referrals updated so I could request help with errands, better navigate Dad's appointments, and find a companion to participate in what Dad enjoyed. One friend shared how our community senior center provided some of the assistance I sought.

At the same time, I worked in my home office and found time to join online support groups where I found caring companionship. I asked the neighborhood teens to help take a load off yard work, and Dad and I enjoyed participating in their presence. As I found my way with the support of family and friends, a local church group, and senior services in my area, I began to feel a lot of tension released from my mind and body.

Understanding and care go a long way

As a former caregiver who learned and was challenged each day as I lovingly cared for my father, I offer you continued strength and patience as you navigate your caretaker journey.

Try your best to reach out and accept the support offerings provided to you and express the best ways you could gain support from family, friends, or a caretaker agency. My motto has always been: If you see or need something, try your best to do something, and never think asking for help is too much.

I understand how it can be hard to let others in, take your place, and follow your instructions, but it's worth a try. When you are ready, I encourage you to invite them in.