It's Not My Loved One, It’s Al

As a journalist and a book nerd, I read a lot. Add in anything regarding brain science and Alzheimer's and you surely have my attention. So I, of course, consumed a series in the Philadelphia Inquirer by Bill Lyons detailing his struggle with Alzheimer's in 2016. I was amazed at his ability to use his super power to help spread the word about this disease and was cheering him on from the sidelines.

One of the attributes that has stuck with me about the series was that he named it, this menacing thing that was attacking his brain, Al. I love that. I love that naming a thing gives it a form, and therefore, something tangible to kick, fight, and scrape against.

I was recently thinking about Al when chatting with some of the members of this community over on Facebook. A common theme among caregivers letting off some steam in our weekly vent session: Separating the disease from the human. I immediately thought, that’s right, it’s not your loved one, it’s Al.

Al did it

Diseases of the mind are hard to deal with both for the patient and for their loved ones. They tear at the very fibers of your being. They affect the very essence of who we perceive our loved ones to be. In both scenarios, there is a relief that can be found by placing the blame squarely at the doorstep of who is, in fact, at fault: Al.

In those gut-punching moments when a word or train of thought escapes your grasp — Al did it. In the heart-wrenching moments when your loved one asks who you are — Al did it. In the fatiguing moments when your life and space are chaotic and it doesn't feel like you will ever get a grasp on life — F you Al! Allow Al to take all of your frustration and vitriol, because, quite frankly, he deserves it.

Find an outlet

There have been times, in my journey, where I have gotten on the mat in a kickboxing class and put all of my vitriol for Al behind the punches and kicks inflicted on my bag. It is a great workout, mentally and physically. Perhaps you have a similar outlet in your life, my mom finds great solace in working out her issues while she is tending her garden. In those moments when she's aggressively ripping out weeds, I know to leave her be. You might find some peace in writing Al a nasty note when he takes something from you. Perhaps you take to the treadmill or a trail and run away from Al as fast as you can. Whatever it is that allows you to break the hold that Al has on you in those moments, give it a try.

Brothers in arms

This shift, from placing the blame on your own mind or your loved one, gives you space for grace. Understand that there is no benefit to getting caught up in berating yourself or your loved one for something over which they have no control. What's more, slugging it out against Al is much more satisfying.

Against Al, you are brothers in arms, deep in the trenches, fighting the good fight. In the face of the heavyweight champion of the world, innumerable KOs, never lost a match, you are the underdog and his trusty trainer ready to take on this fight with everything you have left.

When Bill Lyons passed in 2019 and the title of an article paying tribute to him had a headline of "He never, ever quit."