Letting Go

Letting go has a lot of different meanings. Since my Alzheimer's diagnosis, I have had to learn to let go of many things I can no longer do. Try as I might, some things are gone forever.

Some things let go of me rather than me letting go of them. It makes me sad that many friendships have waned because of my diagnosis. Some people are not comfortable around me so they have chosen to let go. It's a loss to both of us but it is out of my control.

Letting go of traditions

During the holidays this past year, I let go of some of the decorating we usually do. I always thought it was so important that the house be as festive as possible and open to hosting family and friends.

Now that isn't as important to me because I have had to let go of many traditions including gathering our family and extended family around our table to celebrate.

I can't do that anymore. It makes me sad, but realizing I honestly can't do it - has been somewhat freeing. When talking to colleagues from this site, I finally admitted out loud that I passed the proverbial spatula on to my daughter-in-law for hosting family dinners.

She has graciously accepted this new position. Friends have also taken to inviting us to their house instead of waiting for an invitation to our house that probably won't come.

Embracing the little victories with Alzheimer's

Your priorities change when life throws you a curve. Whether it is an illness, a breakup, a death, or a lost job - your outlook changes. You do what you have to do to make it to the next day. Sometimes this means that you have to let go of something to gain perspective on your new situation.

Many times I think I have a handle on Alzheimer's and then it shows me who is in charge. What I set out to do on some days turns into an impossible task. I learn to let go of that big task and break it down into smaller ones. If I can get a few of those smaller tasks checked off my list I feel a sense of accomplishment and lose sight of the big picture - I have at least done something!

You take little victories where you can get them.

Sometimes I can't let go

It's ironic that there are times when I can't let go. I will get some idea stuck in my head, or get mad about something and I can't let it go. My brain doesn't function like that anymore.

I have a very difficult time erasing those thoughts from my mind and moving on to the next thing. Obviously, multitasking has gone out the window. I find myself not wanting to do things sometimes because I fear that there won't be a positive outcome and it will get stuck in my brain.

I know that sounds silly to the average person, but not being able to move on from something very simple can set me back. I feel so stupid that I can't get it out of my head. I start spiraling into panic attacks and lose all sense of myself. It can be very devastating. Onlookers don't understand why something very trivial can turn into a bad experience for me.

Still fighting

I haven't given in to some things yet. I am still fighting for them. I still want to be the "matriarch" of the family but I am slowly losing the grip on that. 

I so want to be that person that my grandchildren will look up to and admire. I am fighting for that so hard but time is not on my side. I fear they won't remember the real me when I can't remember them.

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