Dementia Caregiving: A Guide to Picking Your Battles

I've cared for my mom, who lives with dementia, full-time for about 4 years, and I learn something new every day. I’ve learned that I can let go of certain things that my mom or I used to put a lot of importance on.

Over time, it has gotten easier to let go of trying to make everyone happy about my mom’s care, making epic memories with her, and expecting her to be who she used to be.

Learning to let go of others' opinions

I used to worry all the time about how other people were responding to my mom’s dementia behaviors or my own decisions as a caregiver. This caused an immense amount of emotional stress.

I lost sleep over who was mad at me, and I spent a lot of time on email and phone calls trying to explain my caregiving decisions to my mom’s family and friends. I wanted everyone’s approval before I could be at peace.

I am learning to let these things go. Not everyone will understand our decisions as caregivers, and some might even be mad at us for them.

Of course, this still bothers me, but I reassure myself that my mom is safe and well taken care of. I’m picking my battles and deciding to put my energy toward her care and my own family's instead.

Prioritizing small moments over epic memories

It can feel urgent and important to make those big memories with our loved ones while they are still with us.

Early in my mom’s Alzheimer’s journey, she really wanted to take my family to Disneyland. It was not an easy trip for her — the crowds were overwhelming, she got stressed when she didn’t know what we were doing next, and we had to plan snack and bathroom breaks for her as well as for my kids. However, we planned as well as we could, and she was able to enjoy it and the time with my kids.

Now, my mom is past the point of taking any big trips or having over-the-top celebrations. We try to slow down, assess her progress, and consider what she can realistically enjoy. Then, we adjust our plans accordingly. This shift in focus allows us to appreciate the quiet moments, while we continue to cherish those big trip memories we made before Alzheimer’s took over.

Accepting that our loved may not be their old self

Before my mom had dementia, she was a high-octane civil servant, always volunteering at charity events or serving as a board member of the many local organizations she was an active part of. She exercised every day and was fastidious about her diet.

Now, because of dementia, she prefers to wear some of the same clothes over and over again. She often forgets appointments and important dates, and she never passes up a chance to enjoy dessert or a sweet treat.

I wrestle with this a lot. Who is this person? She doesn’t seem much like the mom I used to know. Moving toward true acceptance means finding a way to honor who my mom used to be while also respecting who she is now.

Instead of forcing her to be the person she was before dementia, I’m focused on ensuring my mom has safety, routine, stimulation, and independence. I want her to feel productive and useful in her everyday life.

I encourage her to be comfortable in whatever clothes she chooses and to enjoy the foods she chooses to eat. She is safe and happy. This is a battle worth fighting — letting her be the person she is now, even though she is different than who she was.

How a shift in caregiver focus can lighten your load

Caregivers have a monumental job taking care of someone living with dementia. There are so many things to focus on, but it’s not humanly possible to cover them all. Trying to do so only creates unnecessary emotional stress.

Let’s not make our job harder! Alzheimer’s caregivers need to pick their battles. When our focus is placed on the most important things, and we learn to let go of the rest, we take immense pressure off ourselves and our loved ones.