Going Back Home: Ups and Downs

We recently took a long drive back to Buffalo to see our old home and friends. I packed a week's worth of clothes and pull-ups for my mom for the 3-day trip.

We drove to the old neighborhood and marveled at the changes the new owners of our old house have made in 2 years. Most all of it was the same, though, except for a massive fence.

We admired the improvements we had made over the years, remembering what it looked like when my parents bought it more than a decade ago. It was a nice house.

Mom didn’t recognize any of it. She was getting it mixed up with her parents' house.

A journey back home: Revisiting memories

My son talked about mom and dad's house. She was thinking it was her mom and dad. I pointed to the windows that were once her bedroom windows and sitting room windows. It did not ring any bells. She lived there for more than 10 years. Nothing.

I was surprised and saddened to see how 2 years makes a difference. Her Alzheimer's disease diagnosis journey began here, and the gaps in her memory are widening.

Navigating social gatherings with Alzheimer's

Later that evening, we had a dinner at our old church, and mom came along. It was good to see old friends. Everyone wanted to talk to mom. She smiled and nodded, but they were only vaguely familiar if at all. She still watches the church service on her iPad if she can't make it to our new church.

During the dinner, there was a guest speaker who talked about the importance of asking questions and how great leaders ask questions. They don't just "tell." To illustrate his point, he called on audience members to participate.

Please don't! Please don't call on my mom!, my husband and I were silently pleading. We looked around the room, eyes like saucers, making eye contact with friends, silently pleading. Then it happened...

An unexpected moment

"What's your name, young lady?"

"Mattie," she answered. "Pamela?" he asked to confirm. "Mattie, but sure," I mumbled, while resisting the urge to slide down my chair under the table. "Oh, Mattie. Imaging you are sitting in a board meeting. How would you feel if you were asked your opinion and input instead of just being told what was going to happen," the speaker asked my mother.

I waited, my blood frozen, my heart willing for the floor to open and swallow our table. No escape.

Mom's standard reply is, "I don't know." But miracles do happen. She said, "Well, I think I'd feel pretty good!"

The heavens opened. The angels sang. My friend at the table laughed and laughed and had to text my daughter the whole misadventure, how her parents were horrified and how great grandma Stewie did! I could breathe again. My friend thought I was a little too tightly wound. She was not wrong. She knew my mom wouldn't be left to look foolish. I had not been so sure. I have been conditioned to expect disappointment.

Alzheimer's memory loss

The next day at church, we saw many old friends. They were surprised at the change in my mom, although she looked the same. She was happy, content, and pleasant. I saw people trying to bend over to talk closer to be heard by her as she sat in a chair.

A dear friend, whom we met when she was a new grad student from China and mom used to pick her up to take her to church, came by to reunite with us. Mom did not remember her. We have met her mother. We were friends for years. Nothing.

Afterwards, my friend texted me the sweetest message: I hope Mattie had a great time here, too. It broke my heart when I saw she forgot her memories in Buffalo. But that means everyday is a brand new day for her. I pray that she would spend every day happily. And both my mom and I are looking forward to seeing her again! I will always keep you and Mattie in my prayers. Have a safe trip back, and hope to see you soon!

The power of supportive friendships

It meant so much to me. How precious it is to have supportive friends who can laugh with you and cry with you, who can poke a little fun at you in the disarming way that you may need. Friends who will pray for you and encourage you.

Each day is new for my mom and for us. What a gift to reframe it for me like that. Letting people in can give you a new perspective. With the losses, there are also gains. I had nothing to worry about after all.