Struggling Not to be so Sad

I have been married for 44 years. We have been through several tragedies and made it through them all. Let me start by saying there are 27 years between us. I was 20 and he was 47 when we met, a great love story. Even now at 92 his doctors and anyone who meets him marvel at how handsome and youthful he looks. He has always been supportive of me. He was diagnosed with dementia almost two years ago, but I noticed the change before then, thinking maybe he's tired or drank too much for his age.

Losing him to Alzheimer's

I watch this once intelligent man read the same newspaper articles over and over, forget how to do simple tasks, and ask the same questions over and over again. If I have a doctor's appointment, he will think I was gone for hours and hours when it was half that. I often lose my patience, maybe because when he had surgeries or was sick I could nurse him back to health and make him better. I find myself correcting him or saying, "I told you that", as if that will help heal him. He lashes out at me. I'll say, "I made a lasagna", he'll say, "what's that? never heard of it". But he will still say that I look nice.

Feeling sadness

I hate feeling this sad, I don't want to tell our families how I feel because not one of them has been through this and I don't want them to think that I am feeling bad for myself, but some days I feel so depressed that I am more afraid of living than dying. Please know I would never take my life. I know there are caregivers going through far worse than me right now. It is just the overwhelming sadness that comes with this horrible cruel disease.

Just to be able to write this is helping me today. I hope you understand. I will always give him the happiest and safest life that I can. I worry that the day could come when I can't.

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