Just venting.

It’s becoming almost impossible to have a real conversation with my foster mom anymore. We barely understand each other. Her ability to follow or participate in a discussion is very limited now — she loses track of her thoughts, mixes up words, forgets mid-sentence, and drifts off topic. She’s always been stubborn and verbally harsh toward me, rarely taking direction unless it came from someone else, and unfortunately, her dementia has only made that behavior toward me worse.

It’s incredibly difficult and disheartening having to beg her to cooperate with me, while she’ll do exactly what anyone else asks without question or fuss. She saves all her resistance for me. When her family pressures her to do something she doesn’t want to, she won’t tell them — she vents to me instead.

Since her dementia diagnosis in 2018, she’s declined a lot. She’s now extremely sensitive to noise and smells, which makes cleaning the house difficult — I can’t do it as often or as thoroughly as before. She only leaves home for doctor’s appointments and prefers to stay inside otherwise, so hiring a cleaner or sending her somewhere temporarily isn’t an option.

What makes it harder is that she forgets about her sensitivities, then gets upset that the house isn’t how she wants it. She asks over and over when I’ll be done, takes offense when I say I’m working on it, and sometimes accuses me of being lazy or not caring. She even threatens to hire cleaners or do repairs herself.

Meanwhile, she never holds her family accountable. Her sons constantly start home projects but rarely finish them — the fence and paving have been half-done since summer, the basement steps have been unsafe for years, and they still haven’t capped the gas line after switching her dryer from gas to electric six months ago. I’ve repeatedly told them how dangerous it is, but they dismiss me, saying it’s fine because the gas is “off.” The gas company said they don’t handle that, and her sons just ignore it.

My foster mom always makes excuses for them — saying they’re too busy, even though they have plenty of time for trips and personal projects. I think she feels guilty about her parenting and overcompensates by protecting them and allowing them to take advantage of her.

Two of her relatives used to be her paid home aides, but they were collecting pay without actually showing up or reporting their absences — one even moved without notifying the agency. Her son recently took over as her aide but is doing the same thing. My foster mom doesn’t understand how serious this is — that it could lead to her losing her insurance or benefits, and even cause legal trouble. Sometimes she seems to get it, but other times she just doesn’t care, maybe because she’s 93 and tired.

When she has doctor’s appointments, I barely have time to get anything done — just change her bedding and vacuum a little. Her family doesn’t stay involved or informed about her health, medications, or appointments, so they constantly call me with questions — even while they're at the doctor’s office. It’s overwhelming and exhausting.

Two of her relatives used to be her paid home aides, but they were collecting pay without actually showing up or reporting their absences — one even moved without notifying the agency. Her son recently took over as her aide but is doing the same thing. My foster mom doesn’t understand how serious this is — that it could lead to her losing her insurance or benefits, and even cause legal trouble. Sometimes she seems to get it, but other times she just doesn’t care, maybe because she’s 93 and tired.

When she has doctor’s appointments, I barely have time to get anything done — just change her bedding and vacuum a little. Her family doesn’t stay involved or informed about her health, medications, or appointments, so they constantly call me with questions — even while we’re at the doctor’s office. It’s overwhelming and exhausting.

Just needed to vent.