Arguing With Your Loved One With Alzheimer’s Won’t Help Anyone

About 5 years into my mother's Alzheimer's journey, I was spending the night at my parents’ house and decided to help my mom get ready for bed, so my dad could have a break. I had never helped her get ready for bed before, so I wasn't familiar with her nightly routine. At the time, my mother's Alzheimer's was moderate, but she knew enough to realize that it felt weird for her daughter to be helping her get ready for bed.

Arguing with Alzheimer’s

Despite some resistance from my mom, I helped her change into her pajamas and led her into the bathroom. I told her to brush her teeth. My mom looked at me, clearly confused by what I was asking her to do. I asked her if she needed help brushing her teeth, and she said she had already brushed that day.

I found myself arguing with her, as I explained that although she had brushed her teeth once in the morning, she needed to brush them again before bed. She insisted she only brushed her teeth once a day, and I insisted she needed to brush them again at night. We went back and forth like this for several minutes before she became really agitated with me. I finally decided to let it go and helped her into bed.

Navigating confusion about the argument

The next day, my dad told me that my mom had woken up in the middle of the night, thinking she and my dad had gotten into an argument. He said she was really upset about it and kept him awake for a while. She brought it up again when they woke up in the morning. He had no idea what she was referring to and just assumed it was something she had imagined.

I knew exactly what she had been referring to. I told my dad about our argument the night before, when I kept insisting that my mom brush her teeth again before bed. I told him she must have gotten confused about who the argument was with, but clearly she remembered having an argument with someone, and it really upset her. I felt terrible!

The reality of arguing with a loved one with Alzheimer's

Did it really matter if my mom, with mid-stage Alzheimer’s, brushed her teeth twice a day? No. Did insisting on it and arguing help the situation at all? No.

The minute my mom became agitated at the idea of having to brush her teeth a second time, I should have let it go. I had never helped her get ready for bed before, and I wasn't familiar with her nighttime routine, so I didn't know any better. But I should have known not to argue with her about it.

I should have just let it go and asked my dad about it later. My mom was clearly upset by this idea, and arguing with her only made her more upset—so much so that she kept my dad up in the middle of the night because of it.

Key lessons for caregivers

Although I regretted this interaction with my mom, I was grateful it happened because I learned the importance of not arguing with a loved one who has Alzheimer's. I learned that you have to pick your battles carefully; most of the time, it is simply not worth the agitation it will cause your loved one. I learned to just let it go.

What you can do instead of arguing

Arguing with Alzheimer’s can lead to more stress for everyone involved. Here are some practical alternatives to help you navigate challenging moments without escalation:

• Agree with their reality: If the truth is causing distress (like the tooth-brushing routine), it is okay to agree and move on. If she says she already brushed them, you can say, "Oh, you’re right, I must have forgotten," and move on.
• Redirect: Instead of continuing the debate, shift the focus to a new activity or environment. Try saying, "You know what? Let's go look at those photos in the living room for a minute," to break the cycle of agitation.
• Validate the emotion, not the fact: Instead of correcting a mistake, acknowledge how they feel. Use phrases like, "I can see this is frustrating for you," or "I'm sorry this is upsetting." This helps them feel heard, even if the facts are wrong.
• Wait and re-approach: If a task is becoming a battleground, walk away for 10 or 15 minutes. Perhaps patience can lead to a fresh start and better outcome.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?"