Co-Caregiving: Helping My Wife Help Her Mom

I have picked up my game around the house and beyond. When you have an elderly mother-in-law with Alzheimer's disease and a new puppy in the house there is a lot to do. Both require consistent care, and it is a lot to manage even for the most organized people.

Our home has changed and so have I. As things became busier around here, I had to take on more responsibilities. It is not an option. It's now a requirement and I have embraced it

The mindset of a co-caregiver

This means that I take care of the dishes. This means that I help with laundry. I vacuum and help with some meal prep. I have a garden and I tend it and provide fresh vegetables. I make quick trips for groceries. I mow the lawn and handle all the landscaping. I often give my mother-in-law her pills, and do the best I can to help her with clothing and bathroom trips, when needed.

I am basically open to everything that will help around the house.

I think my biggest contribution has been taking over puppy and mother-in-law responsibilities from 1 to 5pm each day so my wife can do whatever she wants. She can stay in and get caught up on personal things or go out and shop or do whatever she wants. It's not easy for me. I was not trained to do these things, but I have learned to embrace them.

I don't tell you these things because I think I am some wonderful husband. I have my moments. I write these things because there is a significant need here now and I can contribute. I have found things I can help with and I try to help when and where I can. My mindset is now one of co-caregiver to both a young Golden Retriever and our Golden Girl.

What should you do as a co-caregiver?

I am 59 years old and am not exactly a spring chicken. I have some physical issues and experience some fatigue. I do not sleep as much as I would like, but I try to budget my energy and time to helping. If you are supporting a primary caregiver, here are tips to helping them.

• Ask them what they need help with. They may have specific needs that you are not aware of. For example, when you are out and about ask what can be picked up at the store.
• Be sensitive to what needs to be done before you are asked to help. Don't wait to be asked when you know of something that needs to be done.
• Take a slotted time frame for responsibilities so that others can plan ahead for other activities - this helps the primary caregiver plan their day.
• Take over a specific responsibility that you can manage alone, like kitchen cleanup, laundry, etc., so that everyone knows it will get done. It helps the primary caregiver know that various responsibilities will be handled by others.
• "Cover" your job and have others handle your responsibilities if something comes up and you cannot do them. Being reliable so that the primary caregiver can count on you by asking a family member to help is so important.

Take stock, adjust, move forward

Lastly, have regular meetings to discuss what changes or adjustments need to be made. It gives the primary caregiver a trusted forum to discuss how things are going.

In a way think of it like you are working at a job. Agree on some job responsibilities and then manage them to the best of your abilities. Review and make adjustments. Remember that this is not actually a job though, but service to others. If you think about in these ways, then help is on the way for those who need it most. It can be very rewarding.

How do you support other caregivers?