Using Gratitude to Cope With Grief

For about two years during my mom’s battle with Alzheimer’s, I lived far away from her and my dad. I flew home every two or three months to visit them, but in-between visits I had to rely solely on Facetime calls to talk to my mom. Her Alzheimer’s was pretty advanced by that time and she was unable to use a phone, so the Facetime calls had to be facilitated by my dad.

How we stayed connected from afar

I absolutely dreaded Facetiming with my parents, so much so that I would put it off for weeks, or even months, at a time. I hated seeing my mom just sitting there in her wheelchair, unable to understand what was going on or how to have a conversation. I hated seeing my dad sitting there next to her, looking entirely depleted and utterly depressed. I could instantly tell when they were having a bad day.

I would spend a few minutes Facetiming with my mom and dad, desperately trying to extend the call for as long as possible so I would feel like it had been “enough.” Without fail, I would end the call feeling as depleted and depressed as my dad looked. More often than not, I would cry after we hung up. It was just so heartbreaking. And to make matters worse, there was nothing I could do to help from nearly 1,000 miles away.

Or so I thought...

Noticing the good things

At some point, I got the idea to make a list of all the “good stuff” that happened during our Facetime call. I knew I had to do something, anything, to make myself want to Facetime with them more often in between my visits home. I thought by making a list of all the good things that happened I would feel more positive and hopeful about our next call.

I started out by just trying to come up with one good thing about the call. I quickly discovered that I could come up with many more. I began making these lists on my phone after each call. It wasn’t long until I started actually looking forward to Facetiming with my parents. During the calls, I would actively seek out the “good stuff” that I could put on my list after we hung up.

I began sharing my lists on social media and so many people thanked me for doing so. I found that sharing my gratitude with others magnified it, and I also felt like I was helping others become more grateful.

How gratitude helped me cope with grief

Since starting my gratitude lists, I never went more than a couple of weeks without Facetiming my mom and dad. And the calls changed dramatically. I smiled, made jokes, and sang songs to my mom. My joy and gratitude rubbed off on both of my parents. My mom would clap her hands or mouth the words as I sang. My dad smiled and laughed with us. He appeared lighter and more joyful than I had seen in years.

The gratitude spilled over into other aspects of my role as an Alzheimer’s daughter. I began to focus much more on the few positive things that happened and much less on the overwhelming grief I felt. I began to feel grateful for things I would have barely even noticed before I started my gratitude practice. And I began to cherish my time with my mom on a much deeper, more profound level.

Through my gratitude lists, I found a way to change my perspective from thinking about all of the things Alzheimer’s took from us to focusing on the little gifts it gave us.

Well, what are you waiting for?! Grab a notebook and get started today!

Write down three things you are grateful for each day.

I truly hope this practice of gratitude helps you as much as it helped me.