How do you approach family members about help?
In our house, caregiving is a family affair. We need to rely on each other to support our loved one and help pick up the slack when we need a break. How do you approach other family members about helping your caregiving efforts?
This is so tricky. I struggle with it a lot. I try to be direct and just ask for what I need, and try to not have expectation that they will help. I understand that others have their own lives and schedules too. If they can’t help, I don’t take it personally but just move on to the next option. When they can help, I am so thankful! - Kelsey, Team Member
Thank you for your reply, Kelsey. I guess I try to keep my expectations low but also be hopeful, if that makes any sense. Scott, Team Member
I try to be upfront and empathetic when I am speaking with family members. I go into the discussion with a clear idea about what type of support I need and how often. Providing as much detail as possible makes expectations more tangible and helps my family to understand precisely what kind of assistance is required. It also doesn't hurt when I explain how their involvement will make life easier for everyone involved in the caretaking process; this way they may feel less burdened by the tasks at hand and can appreciate why their help is valuable.
I appreciate this approach and how being straightforward and transparent can make things easier. Scott Team Member
I was a caregiver to both of my parents with AD. My family was unable to assist in any part of the care process.
However, I really had to research. The Office for the Aging was helpful . Honestly, the best thing that happened for my mom and myself, was getting assigned a social worker. He was very knowledgeable in educating me on the process and helping me apply for services to help . So for those community member out there who might not have family support, those are two supports that might be helpful to you.
A friend of mine, her dad had Alzheimer's disease. When she asked for help from her family, she tried to be as visual as possible and had a group text dedicated to anything to do with the care of her dad.
She made a calander and put many different categories of needs. She had appointments her dad needed to be taken to in one color, time she needed assistance staying with him, and in another color spots to help with picking up groceries, prescriptions, etc.
She would send the calander to her family. This way her family could pick to help out in activities they felt comfortable and fit into their life and schedule.
I thought this was a wonderful idea, because it clearly laid out the needs. In a way where people didn't feel put on the spot, to help in a way they couldn't or didn't feel comfortable. Hope this was helpful!
Great forum topic Scott!!!
Just Keep Swimming... Lynn Marie, "AlzheimersDisease.net Team Member"
My husband who has Alzheimer's has 3 adult children. I take care of him 100% of the time. His family would always say, "Let us know if there is anything we can do to help" which sounds good, but actions speak louder than words. An opportunity came up for me to go on a trip (I literally haven't been anywhere since 2019) that I have wanted to go on for a lifetime. It was a year before the trip was actually scheduled. I thought that would be plenty of time for them to make plans. So, I had a Zoom call with them, told them about the trip and how much I would really like to go, to get refreshed and fulfill a life long dream. One lives in Park City, one in Nashville and one 20 minutes from us in Columbus. They all agreed that I needed a getaway badly and I should go, but they wouldn't be able to help me out. I had suggested that if they each took just 4 days, they could stay at my home (which is lovely, by the way) and spend a little time with their father. They told me they had their "boundaries" and that I needed to find a caregiving service. That was that. I haven't really spoken to them since. I guess the only thing I can say about this experience (a golden nugget of sorts) is the fact that it forced me to check out caregiving services in my area and I have found the most compassionate, kind, trustworthy individual there is. Perhaps some day, I'll be able to go on that trip. But for now, my "Care Pro" is a gem and a life saver.
thanks for responding. Two years since that post and I still have our wonderful Care Pro. However, my husband's Alzheimer's has progressed that I am now looking into memory care. It's taking a toll on me. It has been 6 years since the diagnosis. And I have not been anywhere. I'm spent. I'm starting to have tightness in my chest at night when he is wandering, for fear that he will fall down the stairs. Sleep has been difficult. This is one of the hardest decisions of my life, but a necessary one, for both of us. He has not heard from two of his children since November, 2023. His son in Utah does call once every two weeks or so. Thanks again for checking back in on me. It feels good to have someone who cares. 
, sending warm (((hugs))). I'm glad you still have your CarePro! Though I know it's a great help, that it can still be challenging, and exhausting. It can surely be the right choice, and even if it's hard, it can free you up to just "be" with each other again. Don't be afraid to ask questions, talk to some of the CNAs and the activity staff, sit in on some activities, mealtimes, just get a good feel for the atmosphere.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear about his kids, that is heartbreaking. Please do keep in touch and let us know how things are going. If you need help in evaluating a home, we have tons of helpful articles on choosing a home, questions to ask, things to look for. Just let us know if that would be helpful. - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)
