Husband had become very sensitive
Conversations between us are becoming very strained and often end up in arguments. He gets sensitive and then sulks if I can’t answer his questions right away or if I try to tell him he is doing something wrong. He takes everything very personally.
Background first-
He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s 8 years ago but his forgetfulness became a concern as early as 13 years ago. Three different neurologists said it was just the start of aging (at 67?) but we both knew it was more than that. He’s almost 80 now and sometimes is sharp and highly capable and you would never know something is wrong. Other times he asks me the same question three times within a five minute period. He becomes short tempered over things that aren’t very significant. He has to check his watch to see what day it is or even what month it is. He doesn’t always remember if or what he ate earlier or sometimes where he went or what he did during the day.
We argue more lately than we ever have in our 55 years of marriage. I do love my husband but most of the time I don’t like him very much. I know I sound like a horrible person but the past two nights have been awful. He has never yelled at me before and he never said that he was disgusted by things I have said. I couldn’t believe this is my sweet husband.
Last night he got angry when I was tired and didn’t want to have an in-depth conversation about our finances. When I told him once again that we are comfortable and don’t have any debts he wanted to know exact figures. When I just wanted to go to bed and I couldn’t tell him figures off the top of my head he got angry.
Tonight it was a totally different argument. He has jobs in two different clothing stores, only a total of 12 to 16 hours a week but it’s enough to give him a purpose and for him to have people to talk to. I honestly don’t know how he manages but I’m very grateful that he does. We have no family or friends near us. Our children live 100 miles away so I also work to get out and to socialize. It is wonderful that he can hold these jobs and I pray it will continue. He doesn’t realize that his age, mental ability and lack of skills are against him. At both jobs he was reprimanded and told to put his phone away, that he cannot text or use it on the sales floor. Tonight while looking at his phone to get his work schedule I saw that he used his phone to take senseless pictures during his work hours today. I tried to remind him that he should not be doing this and he got angry again. Two nights now he yelled at me and said I shouldn’t care what he does. I wanted him again to understand what the position he puts himself in but he didn’t want to hear it. We ended up being angry and going off into different rooms again.
Is this how it’s going to be every time he doesn’t like what I have to say? Is there a way to handle things before they teach the point that we have? I’m in one room crying tonight and he is in another, maybe sleeping or maybe playing chess in his phone. He plays people and wins most of the time. Another thing I don’t understand. Thank you for reading this and for any comments you may make.
Hi
. Thanks so much for reaching out to us and sharing what you are going through. I can hear how upset and frustrated you are, which is completely understandable. I hope community members will chime in here with their experiences because you are certainly not alone in this experience with your husband. Have you spoken with your husband's doctor about changes in his behavior? I am not a medical professional and cannot offer any medical advice, but if he is on any medication, that could be something to look into.
I also hear a fear that he might lose his jobs at some point, and that will give him less of a sense of purpose and also give you less of the time that you need for yourself. Have you looked into respite care at all? That might be something to consider sooner rather than later so that you know what your options could be. Or even hiring a home health care aid so that you can continue to get out?
I am sharing a few articles below that might give you some ideas in addition to other lived experiences that other community members can hopefully offer! Sending you a gentle hug 💜 Patty, Team Member
1) https://alzheimersdisease.net/manage-behavioral-symptoms 2) https://alzheimersdisease.net/video/what-is-an-adult-day-center 3) https://alzheimersdisease.net/living/hiring-a-home-healthcare-aide
Hi @AnnaMaria,
It can be frustrating because you are trying to help. He is likely beating himself up when he realizes that he's made an error. Be gentle with yourselves, not confronting him takes the pressure off both of you.If his employer knows about his Alzheimer's, they can handle it tactfully, by just redirecting his activities. And that is something that you can take off your plate.
Maybe you could have him help you make a cork board for daily memories. One of the kind that has the crossed ribbons, and you tuck the pictures into. They still sell the "instant" cameras and you could snap pictures, or you could get a small printer to print out photos from your phones, When you get back, you could put them in together, or if you are on your own, you could each recount your days as you put them in. You could get a little accordian folder to file past pictures in as you change out the frame. Then remembering the day could be an easy bonding activity instead of a stressful experience. He can even add pictures of his meals. And you can keep it near a calendar, with a clock so he has easy reference for time and date.
If there are things that he worries about, like the finances, make a little book that he can reference, that has the bottom line information, savings, expenditures, you can update it together when you balance the checkbook, and you'll have an easy reference that will take the pressure off of you, and ease his wories.
Asking repetitive questions is a feature, and he may do it more often. Make sure to always answer questions in the same way, with the same phrasing. And if he says you shouldn't care what he does, just remind him that you always care because you love him.
I'm sending (((hugs))) love and light, AnnaMaria. We're always here when you need to talk. -Warmly, Donna (team member)
Dear Patty and Donna. John apologized yesterday morning for losing his temper and that we argued. He said he couldn’t remember the reason for the arguments but he said he was disappointed in himself for making me cry. I assured him I loved him and that I always will. I tried to laugh it off by saying I didn’t remember either but I do know that I also over reacted.
Thank you for your responses and suggestions. I didn’t know there are printers that print photos from cell phones. I will definitely look into that. Also an accordion folder is another great tip. He has his things scattered and much time is wasted searching for them. Such a folder may get him one place but still separate, so he can organize things into slots that have labels. I really can see that helping.
Patty, I appreciate the time you took to list those articles for me. I read a couple as well as the links within them. There is lots of good information for me to think about and to refer to later, as the need arises.
I have to definitely work on coping and responding to his mood swings and frustrations. It was interesting to read some of the triggers that I wasn’t aware of like temperature changes, hunger, etc.Your kindness and offer of further assistance mean the world to me.
Hugs back to you both!
Be well!Hi @AnnaMaria, I'm so glad that you were able to talk about things, and that things are feeling better. I'm also glad that you found some helpful things. We're always here when you need us! There is also an excellent book that may have some other tips to keep things humming along smoothly - Contented Dementia by Oliver James. Sending lots of (((hugs))) and support! -Donna (team member)
Hi
. I wanted to check back in and see how you and John are doing. We've been thinking about you! Sending you a gentle hug, Patty, AlzheimersDisease.net Team Member
It’s not him, it’s the disease. He isn’t playing on an even playing field. There is a gentleness that is required now. It’s like he has an unseen broken leg and can’t run like he used to, so there has to be a change in expectations. That’s really hard. As married couples, we get in a rhythm of how we respond and expect the other to respond. It is disconcerting when there is a change in that. It’s really hard to shift. But he doesn’t mean it. Give yourself a beat to respond, so you can think about it. That’s a big lesson we learned from my mom’s speech therapist of all people. She told my mom that she didn’t have to answer or say the word she was grasping for right away. Give herself time. Take a breath. Take a walk. It doesn’t mean there is no accountability for him. Just be gentle with him and yourself. Redirect. Is he being followed by a doctor for all of this? That is the first step, gathering your team, especially medical team, as well as family and friends. The team is as much for you. Blessings, Kathy M team member b
