Caregiving Culture Shock

According to Webster's Dictionary, culture shock is defined as a sense of confusion and uncertainty sometimes with feelings of anxiety that may affect people exposed to an alien culture or environment without adequate preparation.

When your parent is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and they comes to live with you and your family, and you now have 3 generations living under one roof, there is a definite clash of cultures and plenty of uncertainty as to what life will look like going forward. How do you adequately prepare for that?

Living abroad

Nearly 30 years ago, as a young couple, my husband and I lived overseas for 2 years. The first year was rocky for everyone. We were all like fish out of water. We struggled to adjust. Tempers were short. People were stressed and sometimes acted out - very immaturely, it seemed at the time.

We had some training about the job we were to do, but nothing dealing with interpersonal relationships and our own mental health.

The second year, they did some training with us to help prepare us for the emotional unraveling that was to come. They called it culture shock. The lightbulbs came on! This would have saved us so much grief at the beginning of the first year! It explained why we were all so stressed out.

I remember walking around a city in a distant land, myopically thinking, "Wow, this place is full of foreigners!" I had to laugh at myself, of course, I was the foreigner.

I have had similar thoughts and feelings as my mom's dementia has progressed. She seems so alien and foreign to me, with different ways of doing things than I'm used to. There is also a widening language barrier.

The introduction into dementia caregiving

We all have ways of coping with life. We have our familiar rhythms and routines. Psychologically, our brains like to coast and live in low-power mode like our smart phones, which is why culture shock is so shocking to our systems.

We have to think through new priorities we once ordered without thinking. Living with dementia can be like learning to drive on the other side of the road.

The things we once did on autopilot are now an unfamiliar matter of anxious deliberation and examination. Do I have time to leave mom alone for a little while, so I can go do... Something else? What is dad eating? That's not food! What did I leave that out I should have put it away apparently? I did not think I had to worry about that.

Alzheimer's caregiving culture shock

Our rhythms and routines are totally disrupted when a parent comes to live with us. Roles can reverse or be totally redefined.

I don't have a lot of examples of other people doing what we are doing. None of our friends are walking this journey. I am the only one I know.

I saw my mom take care of her mom and my dad at home as their health declined. My grandma said her in-laws lived with her and grandpa 6 months out of the year and with another sibling for the rest of the year. Those are my only close examples. They don't tell me how to do this, only that I need to.

Coping with caregiving culture shock

You don't have to travel abroad to experience culture shock. The first thing is not to be too hard on yourself. What you are doing feels hard because it is hard and taxing mentally and emotionally, as well as courageous and noble.

Get yourself on a good schedule for rest, nutritious food, hydration, exercise, and socialization as you can. They are good for jet lag and caregiving. Remember the acronym HALT. Things go south quickly when we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

Get informed. Learn what you can about your new situation. You don't have to be perfect, but the more you know, the more prepared you can be. That can help with the "shock" part.

Coping through connection: Your best tool

Connect with people who are gracious and can help you navigate the ups and downs. We need a guide and fellow travelers. You may find them outside your usual network of friends, like through a doctor's office, social worker, support group, and this group here on AlzheimersDisease.net.

How have you experienced culture shock? What has been helpful?