A woman writes in a book while looking towards the light as bubbles float past her.

Reigniting Purpose and Expanding My Community

Life has been "life-ing." I have had a significant increase in anxiety and depression, which leaves me rather secluded and unwilling to reach out as much. I keep trying to compare my journey to that of my mother and uncles, but mine is completely opposite of what their symptoms were.

It is a cruel joke; watching the deterioration of your life through the eyes of your heartbeat - your soulmate, your best friend, your equal, but not anymore.

The last should be first.

Comparing and contrasting symptoms

My mother and uncles experienced more symptoms of anger and aggression, and mine seems to be the exact opposite. I'm fearful, tearful, and have developed some almost autistic-like tendencies toward routine and structure, with no varying from either.

It is inconceivable to watch the look in your love's eyes change from passion, need, and soul deep connection, to that of a caregiver. No longer an equal; side by side yet not able to connect.

The last should be first.

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Expanding my community

I did actually find a place to give back through one of my fellow support group members. I bit the bullet and went to a place called Community Crossroads. It is a community outreach community focused on serving people who are unhoused.

We were helped with some groceries at a particularly low point in my wife's breast cancer battle, and I wanted to give back. Long story short, they want to start a project involving collection of some health data on our neighbors in the community that we serve.

It is unspeakable loss to watch the adult relationships you have nurtured with your grown children, and have now come to fruition, revert back as they now care for you.

The last should be first.

Reigniting my purpose

I will be hanging out with my new friends doing blood pressures and blood glucose testings to, not only share public health data, but be a part of connecting those with medical issues to the appropriate resources available.

I am humbled and thanking God for this new sense of purpose. So, for 4 hours every Monday morning, I feel almost normal again. Both skills, taking blood pressure and blood glucose measures, don't require my nursing license and I feel capable of doing this.

Looking into the eyes of your grandson and seeing the man you will never get to know or remember, yet hoping he remembers you.

The last should be first.

Coping with these feelings and emotions

I am trying to journal as a coping mechanism to better articulate how I am feeling - almost like a diary.

I would rather not know them, then watch them not know me.

I would rather the last be first.

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