Finding Your Caregiving Style

My wife Kathy has been the primary caregiver for my mother-in-law for years and I have been filling in the gaps with increasing responsibilities. I have watched her care for her mom and have always wondered if I could care for her in the same way. Would I keep her safe, read, rested, clean, and as healthy as possible? Could I make her laugh? Would I forget to give her meds? I had lots of questions.

Taking on the caregiver role

Last fall, Kathy had the opportunity to work on a Netflix miniseries for an extended period that would take her away from the house. I remember the casting agency’s call. We had 10 minutes to decide if she could leave for a week at a time and if I could care for her mom. It was intimidating but I decided that I could. The adventure began.

I knew almost immediately that it was going to be a big challenge. I understood that I would have to do it my way without compromising my mother-in-law’s care. Kathy is an incredible caregiver, but I have my own preferences and sensibilities. I wanted a strict schedule. Kathy is much more fluid in her care when it comes to the clock, but I needed routine. I would get her mom up at 9 AM and she would be fed and clothed within 30 minutes and so on.

This helped me plan my day and allowed me to be more efficient in my care. Timing was important to me. While I wanted a stricter schedule, I handled bathroom and meal times more loosely than Kathy. Kathy has used these times as opportunities to stretch her mom and challenge her. I was less concerned with trying to teach her mom and wanted to make things fun and stress free.

Finding my caregiver style without compromising care

Once again, I will stress that I didn’t compromise her mom’s care. I just wanted to make things more fun for each of us. Getting her medicine down is always a challenge and I incorporated music and verbal encouragement that made these times more pleasant. As a result, Kathy’s mom and I have grown in our fondness for each other. She smiles at me and knows that time with me will be fun.

Kathy worked on that show for most of the fall and I took care of her mom for extended periods, and it was a beautiful thing. It also served as an example to our children. I have noticed that they are much more willing to help in their grandmother’s care knowing that they can put their personal touch on it. They can do things their way as long as the most critical things get done. This has helped everyone because there are more family members willing to pitch in.

What's your caregiver style?

This is my encouragement to you. Find your own groove in caregiving. There is not a cookie-cutter approach that works for everyone all the time. This will not only help create a less difficult environment, but may also encourage others to join in. It is less intimidating if there is more flexibility. Tell us what you think.