The Ghosts of My Holiday Past, Present, and Future

As the holidays approach, I think of Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol. The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future taunt me.

Since being diagnosed with Alzheimer's, my mindset has been to concentrate on the present – be in the moment. Memories of the past are foggy at best and no one knows what the future will bring. So, living in the moment is usually where I settle.

Sometimes, when I see photos of past holiday celebrations it can spark a vivid memory, but not as many as I would like. My childhood memories come to mind but I struggle with more recent events.

Coping with Alzheimer's during the holidays

At times, my son will be playing the "remember when" game and I hate to admit that I don't remember a certain celebration, a certain gift, a certain event. I have always cherished friendships from the past and I know those will go by the wayside as well.

When special times like holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries roll around I try to make the most of them. I want those events to be special so others will remember them even if I can't.

I never know if that will be the last event I will remember. That worries me. I worry how my family will deal with that. My grandchildren are young and I want them to remember good times with their grandma.

I find myself tearing up when I leave a celebration because I fear that it will be my last. It is different than a fear of death – it is a fear of being there physically but not being the person I am.

Living in the moment despite Alzheimer's

I already see how we alter our family get togethers because of my disease. I cannot be fully engaged like I once was. It makes me sad.

I am sure my family feels sad, too, but they do a good job of hiding it from me. I carry a lot of guilt over it and I haven't found a way around that. In time, I know that guilt will fade when I can no longer be "in the moment." That is the future that haunts me.

Living in the moment during the holidays

I have said many times that I have the easy part when dealing with Alzheimer's. My friends and family have the hard part. It’s hard to care for someone you love through this Alzheimer's journey. You want your family to remember the good times, the happy times, the joyous times. You don't want to become a burden and taint their present and future times.

None of us know what the future has in store for us. We know what we would like it to be and we can make every effort to make it happen – but things happen. Good intentions do not always make for a happy outcome.

In Charles Dickens novel, Mr. Scrooge sees a bright future and the errors of his ways. My future is much different. So, for now – I use what energy I have to focus on the now. Enjoy what I can, when I can and hope that my family will continue to make wonderful memories even if I can’t.