Overcoming My Obstacles to Caregiving

In January of 2017 my youngest child turned 18 years old. I thought this would be the end of my caregiving responsibilities. Oh sure, there would be the occasional parental chat or dealing with an emergency situation, but I had been conditioned to believe from a young age that once a child turns 18, they are on their own. I was wrong about that on so many fronts.

In many ways my parental responsibilities have just shifted. As for caregiving, I thought those days had ended - they have not. I am now a co-caregiver for my mother-in-law. I help my wife and son take care of my 85 year old loved one with Alzheimer's on a daily basis.

This is not what I had planned or planned for. This is not what I thought would happen or dreamed of happening, but it is my reality and I now embrace it.

Overcoming my tendencies

It took a while and I had to overcome some things to get here. I had to overcome my natural selfish tendencies. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. My mom drank. My father was in and out of my life and I was sexually abused as a child.

I had to learn from an early age to take care of myself. I had to put myself first or I would get overlooked or left unprotected. This has had to change. I have to look out for my mother-in-law and this was not expected.

I cannot just pick up and leave the house when she needs help. I have to make sure she is fed, bathroomed, and safe. Sometimes, I would rather do my own thing.

Overcoming gender stereotypes

I had to overcome gender stereotypes. I grew up in an era when men earned the money and women took care of the people at home, whether they were children or guests or extended family. I brought home the bacon and she cooked it. I never considered myself particularly maternal, paternal, or parental. I was supposed to be the bread winner. This has changed.

I now earn a living and also help with cooking, baking, cleaning, and caring for my mother-in-law with her unique needs. When I am with her, it is my job to look out for her in whatever capacity. Caregiving has no gender.

Overcoming a sense of entitlement

I had to overcome a sense of entitlement. I grew up with a formula. Get good grades, get a good job, find a good wife, have good kids, have a good life.

I expected that if I did certain things that life would end up a certain way. I expected I would never have to deal with pull-ups after the kids grew up. I expected that I could retire and live how I wanted. Those expectations have changed. I have to consider my mother-in-law and her needs. I am not longer feeling entitled to anything but having the honor of serving my family.

I had to overcome my desire for orderliness. I grew up wanting my ducks in a row because of my chaotic home life. Now, I can't find my ducks. They are under a pile of my loved one's clothes that she cannot fold and I have to assist her. I am okay with a bit of a mess. It is part of the deal when you are a caregiver

Navigating unexpected caregiving

I have had to change, begrudgingly at times. Sometimes, I look at the magnitude of these responsibilities and how my reality is so far from my expectations and I feel disappointment. Yet, in all of this I have changed. I have shifted the way I think of all of this. I have grown.

I can do this because I have others around me who help me when I feel disappointed. I am open to change. I don't feel like I am owed anything. I feel it is an honor to serve others.

When it's time to make breakfast for my loved one, I no longer wish my responsibilities would end but rather I ask myself, "Bacon or sausage?" What have you had to overcome?