I feel guilty that I want my Mom to pass on.
Dad (ADP)passed July 2024. He actually died of a broken heart, I believe. He had decreased short term memory, but still functioned well until he fell and was forced into a home due to immobility. For 3 years leading up to that, I was told by Mom that Dad was having a "bad day" and wouldn't talk on the phone. I learned at the end that it wasn't accurate. Mom barely visited Dad during his last 5 months when he was in the home. It broke him. He begged consistently to go home but died there. Mom has become bitter and quite snarky. She has been making unqualified comments about my son that are hurtful. We weren't allowed to talk like that as we were growing up! I no longer know her, nor feel much toward her; its like all the flaws of her character are pronounced now. It's hard to talk with her- I'm 900 miles away so all communication is via phone. I don't want to call her now, due to the disparaging remarks toward our son- who is a good man, faithful husband, and hard worker. This all is harder than it was with Dad, and that experienced raised cortisol levels so high that I gained 20 pounds. Prayer is my only anchor.
Hi
, sending (((hugs))). Be gentle with yourself. There is so much in your comment. Your dad was injured, you believe that she withheld contact, she treated him poorly after he was in AL, and she made cruel remarks about your son (doesn't matter how old he is, that is still your child).
You can still make sure that she is being taken care of without exposing yourself or your immediate family to her toxic behaviour. Be gentle with yourself. Have you spoken with your pastor, or a pastoral counselor at your church - or, if you are open to it, a secular therapist?
We're here for support whenever you need us. Please keep in touch and let us know how things are going. - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)Thank you. Mom is living in a MIL suite at my sister's home. She is in Hospice care there. So many comments she has made are contradictory; and I believe it is due to dementia. But when it hurts, it hurts. I am in the process of forgiving. I used to be able to share hurt feelings with her, but the past 3 years she is not herself/ OR without Dad to temper her, she is more herself?? Its painful to recall things from the past that we daughters had dismissed yet see more of it now- feels like we don't know her? We are 900 miles away ,so my son doesn't know what she has said. He is an adult with 3 kids, working 3 jobs and trying to be a good father/husband. To me, that is part of my parent's and my legacy- and that is enough! I don't want these kinds of memories of her. So I will have to back off the frequency of calls to her. So sad, but I am entering radical acceptance. It is what it is, and I thank God for the good memories-even though right now I feel numb to her. , it is completely okay to draw boundaries as they are needed. I feel you, I am a person who has a need to know the "why", the mechanics of things. But sometimes, it's okay to just accept that things are what they are, and that they have no logical reason.
You can define how you want to remember her from your life experience. And if she is not meeting that memory, know that the disease does change people. It is difficult to feel like you have lost your trusted confidant, and I know you can't replace her, but do you have someone with whom you can talk unguardedly? - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)
Thanks, Donna. My sister ( whose house Mom's apt is in) and I talk about how we feel and the conflicting comments she makes. That helps us both.
, I'm glad you both have an outlet for frustration and negative feelings, and can support each other <3 - Warmly, Donna (Team Member)
